The Bike Squad Release Date: 2005 Genre: Comedy | Family Director: Richard Gabai (Kids Who Saved Summer, Virtual Vegas) Writer: Martin Olmedo (Kids Who Saved Summer) Staring: Braden Parkes, Emily Petta and Thomas Garner Let me first start off by stating that the main character of The Bike Squad is a very vanilla white kid. […]

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The Bike Squad
Release Date: 2005
Genre: Comedy | Family
Director: Richard Gabai (Kids Who Saved Summer, Virtual Vegas)
Writer: Martin Olmedo (Kids Who Saved Summer)
Staring: Braden Parkes, Emily Petta and Thomas Garner

Let me first start off by stating that the main character of The Bike Squad is a very vanilla white kid. Who else is on the cover of the film but a Polynesian kid? At the very least, I can give MTI credit for managing to get the breed of dog correct.

Following in the footsteps of Bug Off!, The Bike Squad is MTI’s second venture into the world of children’s films for 2003. The good news is that it’s not nearly as excruciatingly stupid as it’s predecessor. The bad news is that it’s story has no imagination or creativity behind it, and while Bug Off! kept you watching with its “so bad it’s good” style, Bike Squad just bores the hell out of you.

Ten-year-old Ryan’s parents are divorced, likely due to the confusion caused by a son that has the uncanny ability to switch his ethnicity. Ryan’s mother is the type of parent who eventually turns their son into a homosexual with their constant smothering, so when summertime comes, Ryan is ecstatic about the opportunity to spend time with his laidback dad. But once he gets situated, he learns that things aren’t the same anymore. His dad is dating an undeveloped character whose son, Kyle, is an asshole. Kyle and his “Bike Squad” of a nervous kid and the token chick aren’t exactly welcoming Ryan with open arms. To make matters worse, all the camping he had planned to do with his dad is out the window thanks to his dad’s new position at work. On top of all this pre-teen angst, his dog Jupiter has been kidnapped by evil dognappers who sell them for illegal scientific testing. And gee golly, the adults just won’t believe them! What’s a kid to do?

Against my wishes, the apparent solution is not to slit your wrists and wave goodbye. When it’s learned that most dogs don’t last more than forty-eight hours at the labs, it’s now up for Ryan and the Squad to join forces (if anything brings kids together, it’s dognappers) in order to save Jupiter from certain damnation. What follows is much the same. The kids become real life detectives, make adults look like bumbling fools, save Jupiter from death, and it ends on a sentimental note with Ryan and his father sharing a hug. Sorry if I spoiled it for anyone that was expected Jupiter to die in a movie-within-a-movie snuff film, but I just felt it was my part to not let your hopes get up too high.

Let me also say just how unsettling it is that female characters, the majority of which are under thirteen, often wear tiny shorts in direct-to-video kids flicks. You gotta figure that anyone who dedicates their life to making films for children, about children, and starring children, has to be a little weird. The token chick, or Lisa if you prefer to be on a name basis with the director’s masturbatory fantasy, never leaves the house without shorts that nearly expose her ass. I can deal with DeCoteau parading shirtless men around since he appears to be so deep in the closet that he’s finding Christmas presents, but that’s just a bit too much for me.

For what it’s worth, anyone with an IQ under 80 will probably get a kick out of these little bastard’s adventures.

DVD: Standard Direct-to-Video Release™, along with a trivia game.

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