Evil Alien Conquerors Release Date: 3 December 2003 (Norway) Genre: Comedy | Sci-Fi Director(s): Chris Matheson Writer(s): Chris Matheson (Bill & Ted movies) Starring: Michael Weston, Diedrich Bader, Tyler Labine, Chris Parnell, Beth Grant, Tori Spelling “Absolutely hilarious” is a video blurb made specially for Evil Alien Conquerors. “Extremely weird” also fits the bill, as […]

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Evil Alien Conquerors
Release Date: 3 December 2003 (Norway)
Genre: Comedy | Sci-Fi
Director(s): Chris Matheson
Writer(s): Chris Matheson (Bill & Ted movies)
Starring: Michael Weston, Diedrich Bader, Tyler Labine, Chris Parnell, Beth Grant, Tori Spelling

“Absolutely hilarious” is a video blurb made specially for Evil Alien Conquerors. “Extremely weird” also fits the bill, as does “Who’da thunk it?” The initial glance at the box for Conquerors, along with the synopsis promising sequences with the aliens battling cows, suggested ninety minutes of excruciating, PG-13 rated comedy. While it is PG-13, Alien’s idea of comedy is, 90% of the time, exactly what I’m looking for.

Right off the bat, the weirdness of Conquerors is brought out for show. By order of their leader, two aliens, My-Ik (Bader, “Drew Carey Show”) and Du-ug (Parnell, “Saturday Night Live”) are sent to earth, monstrous swords in hand, with orders to behead the entire earth in two days. When they fall from the sky, the swords have been conspicuously altered to those that make them diminutive to a pencil. Of course, they’re not aware of that. This leads to the lifeless Kenny (Weston, of the mediocre Cherry Falls and Wishcraft movies) meeting up with the “evil alien conquerors,” who proudly spout off the fact that it will not be long before the whole world is left without their heads. They soon discover the goodness of Smirnoff Ice, Tori Spelling’s unibrow (who is uncredited in a particularly embarrassing role), and just how hard it is to fend off both cows and gangs of teenagers, one of which being the son from “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter.”

While it’s no easy task explaining why, Conquerors has some great humor behind it. Du-ik, My-ik, and Kenny have great chemistry together. The aliens are very much like the Bill & Ted characters, and Kenny adds a great straight-guy into the mix for them to play off. Even Elden Henson (the chubby teen from Idle Hands and O) , who plays Kenny’s asshole roommate, delivers his lines with comic ease. The rest of the main characters, however, need some work. The women that the aliens find hot, played by Tori Spelling and Beth Grant, are just terrible. While the majority of the humor here is damn good, just about everything delivered by these hairy women comes off unfunny. The evil Croker, the ultimate solution for beheading the earth, is also very deterrent to film’s quality. The actor playing him (Labine, “2gether” and “Breaker High”) does his job well, but this guy screaming for twenty minutes gets aggravating after five. The joke goes on way too long, and ceases to be funny by the time you get to the infomercials.

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