Creepies Release Date: 2003 Genre: Horror Director(s): Jeff Leroy (Alien 3000, Hell’s Highway) Writer(s): Eric Spudic (Aquanoids, Maniacal) Staring: Lisa Jay, Jeff Ryan, Phoebe Dollar If you’re not on some kind of drug when you watch Creepies, you’re watching it all wrong. Despite being marketed as so, Creepies is in no way a serious horror […]

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Creepies
Release Date: 2003
Genre: Horror
Director(s): Jeff Leroy (Alien 3000, Hell’s Highway)
Writer(s): Eric Spudic (Aquanoids, Maniacal)
Staring: Lisa Jay, Jeff Ryan, Phoebe Dollar

If you’re not on some kind of drug when you watch Creepies, you’re watching it all wrong.

Despite being marketed as so, Creepies is in no way a serious horror flick. Splitting its time between two plots that come together to form a movie that is essentially Eight Legged Freaks meets Return of the Living Dead, Creepies is a hokey effort that surely knows it’s hokey. Director Jeff Leroy, who has been working in the shot-on-DV, almost bottom of the barrel, b-movie business for about seven years now, seemingly made Creepies knowing that there was no way in hell it would ever be taken seriously. With only $20,000 to make a movie that featured Hollywood being destroyed by giant spiders, he did things as campy and as campy can get. And I love Creepies for that.

At the Foothill Experimental Weapons Center, a group of bioengineered spiders escape their containment and begin wrecking havoc. Within two hours they’ve killed everyone on the base and left the place covered in cobwebs. Through one of those unexplained occurrences (which just makes the movie even cheesier), the spiders eventually form a giant beast, not unlike the finale of a “Power Rangers” episode. The military men in charge spend the movie firing everything they have, all while Hollywood and its surrounding cities are destroyed. All of these effects are achieved by the use of miniatures, including the Hollywood sign being destroyed and trucks exploding after falling off destroyed bridges. Once again, I love it.

On the other side of town, a trio of twentysomething girls are preparing to have an after-hours demo recorded for their band The Barenaked Barbies. This is where the Return of the Living Dead element comes in. One boneheaded worker at the recording studio shows another bonehead a container with some of those spiders inside. Turns out it was accidentally delivered by the military, and the manager is too much of a bitch to send them back. Before you can say “Oops,” one of them drops it, sending out a barrage of spiders. One of the two gets bitten on his foot, and with the spiders crawling all over the place, the Barenaked Barbies and the leftover guy must fight to keep themselves alive. Eventually Ron Jeremy and a paramedic show up to be victims as well. If you’ve ever seen Return of the Living Dead, you know what’s in their future.

Creepies is the cheesiest, goofiest, and all together most fun movie of the year. I was thinking of waiting until the end of the year to hand out that title, but then I remembered that there was a scene where a nuclear bomb is depicted using nothing more than dynamite inside a briefcase. Yeah, the aforementioned praising is very, very true.
DVD: Jeff Leroy, why the hell didn’t you record a commentary track for this beauty?

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