Coronado Release Date: 25 September 2003 (Israel) Genre: Action | Adventure | Comedy Director(s): Claudio Fäh (Hollow Man 2) Writer(s): Volker Engel, Marc Weigert, & Claudio Fäh Starring: John Rhys-Davis, ,Clayton Rohner,Michael Lowry Let me start this review by stating that I don’t like adventure movies. I even think the Indiana Jones movies are overrated. […]

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Coronado
Release Date: 25 September 2003 (Israel)
Genre: Action | Adventure | Comedy
Director(s): Claudio Fäh (Hollow Man 2)
Writer(s): Volker Engel, Marc Weigert, & Claudio Fäh
Starring: John Rhys-Davis, ,Clayton Rohner,Michael Lowry

Let me start this review by stating that I don’t like adventure movies. I even think the Indiana Jones movies are overrated.

So not liking Coronado, a Hallmark TV movie that has tons of effects but absolutely nothing in the way of substance, didn’t come as much of a surprise to me. Wonder why there are so many effects on the movie? Well, Volker Engel and Marc Weigert worked as visual effect artists on Independence Day. That’s seriously the main selling point that Warner Brothers used for Coronado. Well, that and the cover art that makes it appear to be a duplicate of that movie, which isn’t the case in the least.

Director Claudio Faeh really wants to be Spielberg. He shows that he’s watched the Indiana Jones movies two hundred times each over and over again throughout the vapid Coronado. It was shot with a script that boils down to “untalented sitcom actress plays wife who heads to Central America to find her husband, who may or may not be working with the CIA, which may or may not be helping rebel fighters.” Yeah, it’s one of those movies.

Hey! A bridge just blew up! Why? I have no fucking idea.

John Rhys-Davies shows up for ten minutes to collect a paycheck and even he sucks the proverbial wang here.

A nothing movie made by nothing people with nothing stars that premiered on a nothing network and was then shipped off to DVD.

That second piece of artwork, which is used somewhere internationally, is awesome. I don’t think this review would’ve been complete without mentioning that.
DVD: Awwww hell no.

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Coronado, 3.0 out of 10 based on 1 rating

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