Bite Me! Release Date: 26 October 2004 (USA) Genre: Horror Director: Brett Piper (Arachnia, Psyclops) Writer: Brett Piper Starring: Misty Mundae, AJ Kahn, Julian Wells I’ve always been a fan of Brett Piper for some reason. Maybe it was the fact that in my youth, I saw the Troma preview for A Nymphoid Barbarian in […]

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Bite Me!
Release Date: 26 October 2004 (USA)
Genre: Horror
Director: Brett Piper (Arachnia, Psyclops)
Writer: Brett Piper
Starring: Misty Mundae, AJ Kahn, Julian Wells

I’ve always been a fan of Brett Piper for some reason. Maybe it was the fact that in my youth, I saw the Troma preview for A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell at least twenty-five times. Or maybe it was the fact that Brett took the time to e-mail me after a review of a film of his that he himself dislikes, Arachnia, appeared on another site a year and a half ago. I was really excited when Brett signed a deal with EI (the company behind Seduction Cinema) to write and direct several films for them over the next couple years. Unfortunately, despite pretty much keeping up his promise that he wouldn’t resort to the softcore porn route, he didn’t impress me in 2004.

House of the Screaming Dead was a below average film made average thanks to the addition of a great antagonist, and I’m not even talking about the monsters. Joseph Farrell busted out a great performance as the sadistic artist, and even Rob Monkiewicz delivered a half viable performance. Bite Me! has neither a great antagonist, nor a great protagonist. It’s just a bad movie, and not in the good way that Piper’s other films have been.

Bite Me! also has another strike against it; yet another appearance by Misty Mundae. I like the girl. She seems like a very down to earth person. And I understand that EI is doing their best to get all they can out of their exclusive contract with the girl. A movie with her obviously delivers sales. But for Christ’s sakes, the girl does not need to be in every film EI releases. It’s called overexposure, and it is definitely happening with her.

Ohh yeah, the plot? Well, two idiots delivering two crates full of marijuana flip their car when giant bugs, who previously consumed a crate, attack them. For whatever reason, the pot is delivered to the owner of a rundown strip club that a typical asshole character (Josheph Farrell he is not) just inherited, but can’t be shut down by the cops or else the club will immediately be transferred to actress Julian Wells. And uhh, soon the enough, the bugs are unleashed. Enter an exterminator, an FBI agent, the fact that the bugs biting a woman makes them really horny, and nothing else of note, and you’ve got Bite Me!.

This just isn’t a good movie. Piper, bless his heart, tries to make things work, but this is a mess. There are only two or three moments in the film that I’d call humorous, and he even slips into toilet humor at times. And the ending is just so incredibly typical, not to mention lifted from his previous film Arachnia, that it leads me to think that it’s time for Piper to retire his bug prosthetics.

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Bite Me!, 2.0 out of 10 based on 1 rating

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